So apparently, I’ve realized I get lots of mails with problems from my fans. On top of that list is “depression or suicidal” thoughts.
Just so I don’t have to repeat myself to many times and to open up, this is for you. For those who feel lonely, lost, insecure, or feel as if you’re nothing at all.
I, too, felt that. Believe it or not, everyone has at one point in their lifetime.
I’ve attempted suicide numerous times during my high school years.
My depression started at a very young age, 10 years old up to my junior year in High School. The biggest reason for this was because of my sexuality. I felt I was the only one in this world who felt the way that I did at that time. I started to hurt myself through cutting, and burning my skin. I tried to find ways to express myself but nothing could ever fill that empty hole. I always tried to find love in others, but realized I was always asking too much. My last serious attempt was at the age of 15. I overdose on more then 70 pills ( I lost count ) and was unable to move or walk or even see because of what it was doing to me. During that time, my friends found me on the floor and they rushed to get me up, help me to get the poison out of my system. Let me tell you, it was NOT fun. That WAS THE MOST PAINFULLEST EXPERIENCE I ever had. I refused to go the hospital, even though it was serious because I literally felt my heart and lungs on the edge of collapsing. Instead they made me puke up all the pills I had in me, or what was left of me. I really felt like I was dying because breathing was so hard to do when it feels as if razors are being shoved down through your throat over and over again. When you feel your lungs being twisted and your heart is slowing down. Not fun. Wasn’t smart. Took me weeks to recover and I lost so much weight at that time.
After that incident, I tried to find help for myself through various ways. Including that would be writing in my journal daily. Whatever bothers me or troubles me, I write them down. I have a 10 year old diary online, including that is my Xanga that I’ve been writing since 2005. Yes, I write alot.
Know that you’re not alone. If you don’t like to seek help in others, then write it down. I personally at that time, did not like opening up to others or showing my depression. I was always that happy kid who had to smile in front of others because it was expected out of me. Especially in my group of friends, I would be the least person expected to show any expression of ‘sadness’ and if I did, it was very contagious, so because of that, I’ve always held it in.
The first step to depression is to admitting that you are. Second is to find the reason of your depression. Next thing is to love yourself. That is the KEYPOINT of getting out of the darkness. Love yourself. If you don’t know what you love about yourself, ask others what do they see in you. Don’t take negative things too seriously but rather look at it optimistically.
I’m selfish BUT it’s a good thing because I want to protect and take care of myself first. If noone else does, who would have to do that? Me.
I’m impatient BUT it keeps me moving. I feel as if I’m not wasting my time, and I always find something else to do to keep myself occupied.
I’m weird BUT I’m interesting in my own way
I’m blunt BUT at least I’m honest rather then being a backstabber or a shittalker.
So as you can see, you can turn those negative things around. Be happy with yourself and love yourself. Always smile. If you feel as if noone cares, well I care. I care enough to tell you my dark past and let you know, I went through it too. Be strong and take control of your own life.